Fake names, real situations.
John was out of the country when Miguel texted him, asking for his help. Miguel and his usual teaching partner were both traveling and wondered if John would be able to step in to cover facilitating an upcoming workshop while they were away. John explained that he was also on vacation but would be willing to try to help.
John was an eager servant and someone who bought fully into the “think outside the box” when generating solutions. The problem was that this combination led him to say “yes” when he probably should say “no.”
The morning before the scheduled session, John let Miguel know he was still available and willing. Unfortunately, he miscalculated which time zone he’d be in to host the meeting. Kate, John’s girlfriend, who was traveling with him, was understandably upset once she found out John’s efforts to host the session would be complicating their itinerary that day.
John recognized he had put himself between a rock and a hard place. He then made the tough but necessary choice to text Miguel the evening before the session, saying he was no longer in a position to cover. Though extremely short-notice, Miguel was gracious in thanking him for not ghosting him the day of and quickly began to draft another solution.
A few days later, John texted Miguel again, apologizing for not being more realistic about his availability and asked how the session went. Though not ideal, Miguel still found a feasible plan and appreciated John’s apology.
A BETTER WAY FORWARD
Thankfully, the situation didn’t end in disaster, and the relationship between John and Miguel survived. But what would’ve been a better response? Imagine if John said this instead after receiving the original invitation:
“While I’m normally happy to help, I’d be doing us both a disservice by saying “yes” since I can’t guarantee I’ll be available during the time specified.”
True, Miguel would still be disappointed if John declines. But he at least has more time to come up with an alternative solution instead of having just a night to scramble. Miguel’s stress level would also be lower. And John would have less remorse about the situation he left Miguel in.
There’s a chance that John still tries to provide assurance that ultimately proves fleeting. Intentions are nice but don’t matter if actions don’t follow.
seeing john’s perspective
Whether he likes to admit it or not, John likes approval. While that’s understandable, the danger lies in going too far to get it. In seeking approval, John also likes being a contributor and hero. And John tends to find himself in situations where he overpromises, then has to ask for forgiveness when he ends up rescinding his commitment due to a lack of time, energy, or availability. At least one of his promises will break. And sad day for the ones unlucky who end up on the short end of the stick.
If you relate to John or find yourself in similar situations, use the opportunity cost question to check yourself (“If I say ‘yes’ to this, what am I saying ‘no’ to?”). Had John realized saying “yes” to helping meant saying “no” to his vacation and travel partner, he would more likely have used the response above sooner to spare Miguel the anxiety roller coaster. Remember: helping doesn’t always mean being the solution. Sometimes, helping means closing your own door so the requestors can find an open one elsewhere, sooner.
From Miguel’s perspective
If you’re dealing with a teammate like John, normally you’re in great shape. It’s nice to have someone who’s so eager and capable of bailing you out when you have a full plate.
Of course, that sword is double-edged. Surprised?
The challenge for Miguel is to make sure John doesn’t make a promise he ends up not keeping, despite his best intentions of doing so.
One idea for Miguel, knowing John struggles to say “no” due to his tendency to rescue: audit John’s availability to make sure John isn’t just hoping to cover. He asks John to share what’s on his plate and can decide how likely John will come through.
takeaways and next actions
How you handle promises will define your reputation. For those who struggle with people-pleasing, your growth opportunity is getting better at not making promises if you know your chances of keeping them are unlikely. Your only other options once you make the promises are:
Keep the promise, or
Renegotiate its terms.
For reassurance, a renegotiated agreement doesn’t count as a broken one - at least according to David Allen.Making a promise, then rescinding it and asking for forgiveness, is not a pattern you can afford to establish.
And if you’re dealing with high performers who tend to spread themselves thin, take the time to check on the promises made to make sure they’re on track before deadlines become urgent. Thinking upstream will keep you from repeatedly putting out fires that were entirely preventable. They’ll also preserve your working relationships.
If you like these tips but struggle with applying them in real time, help is just a complimentary call away.
